Here we go...

So many months on and more updates and even more of the usual...

I just reread my old posts and I can't believe how much I relapse. Last time I complained about failing my diet, that is -exactly- what happened again. I'm in a vicious circle and I can't seem to get out. I constantly fail and complain over and over again.

So, before going into details. I'll give the summary to spare my future self the pain of reading through it all and finding out the exact same crap all over again.

- diet is a mess (AGAIN)
- started a new workout programme (AGAIN)
- passed all my exams except for 3 of the 4 Russian exams
- changed eyebrows!!

I am therefore once again unhappy and brooding.

I seem to be developing bulimia and of course that was never the plan. From my initial mind-set "I could NEVER develop an eating disorder" to actually having one. It's odd how these things evolve. Hid-away blogs really help shed light on these evolutions.

I started a new workout plan; How to Look Better Naked, a book written by some editor of Women's Health. It's an interesting workout plan that includes HIIT training. I haven't felt stiff in ages like I have with these workouts. The accompanying eating plan isn't adapted to my needs and I'm afraid following a rigid program + a tough eating programme (which will be rather expensive to follow anyway) will not be a solution for success.

But... on the other hand. If progress doesn't come fast enough because I'm not eating right, I won't stick with the training any way.

We will see in 12 weeks if I finally managed to achieve something... This little fail-trip can't go on forever, can it?

On a lighter note! I got my eyebrows changed! No more fady, reddish, oh-so-wrong lines for eyebrows. I will post photos as soon as they have healed.

I think this is enough for now. I have this very strange feeling I will be back here not too far in the future and I'm worried it is to report failure again. Anyhow, there is no success to be found in negative thoughts.

Talk soon!
Indra

Another one!

Here we are with yet another update.

This one carries a bit more of the usual: frustration, but I will include good news too.

To start off with the good: yes, still going to the gym. It doesn't feel like something that will change. I find myself pretty stuck into that routine by now. Today is Monday, so today is a circuit training class plus a yogalates class. Sadly, it's a special sport day for students, which means the small yogalates class will be stuffed. Less room to wiggle/fall.

More good news: I passed all of my exams. There were only 4 of them (compared to the 12 coming up...) but I passed!

History - 14/20
Philosophy - 11/20 (that's not so good, shameful)
Dutch spelling - 15/20
Dutch "Taalvaardigheid" - 15/20

Now on to the frustrations!

Frustration 1: my diet isn't going too well. I am overeating and can't control myself. I'm not eating unhealthily per se, but I'm eating too much and especially out of boredom. Problem with that is, I have no reason to be bored because I have a LOT of work to do. Though, it is school-work, so it does tend to be something I am not as motivated to do. Perhaps the eating is also because of stress. Maybe that is actually THE reason for it. Stress for the upcoming 12 exams. Either way, I need to get it under control because my spirits are way down low and that won't help one bit.

Frustration 2: my roommate... with Frustration 1 going on I am having even an harder time with her. She is a piglet! She eats nothing but junk food and it is making me feel nauseous and angry. But mainly sick. It is stomach twisting to see the ... well.. -crap- that she eats. She eats crisps, cookies, chocolate, sugary cereals, waffles, ... non-stop as "snacks". She always seems to eat when she gets back home late before she goes to bed. She pours olive oil over white-manufactured-toast-bread like it's nothing. She hardly cooks and what she does cook is full of fat and nutrionally useless.

It hurts to see.

She also sometimes doesn't close the toilet door, leaves raw meats out of the fridge (I can not even imagine what bacteria are forming in there, she could get seriously ill), walks around on the wooden floors like an elephant (I always tip-toe not to make too much noise!), doesn't really know how to clean... anything, licks off her fingers very noisily, leaves "residue" in the toilet pot (there is a BRUSH, why doesn't she use it =(?! ), ...

It is all very frustrating for me. Too frustrating. Which is why I will be moving out of this apartment on the 15th of July to a new apartment, just for me. I can't deal with roommates anymore.

To summarize:
- roommate is killing me
- my diet is in ruins
- passed all first exams
- still going to the gym

My absolute biggest frustration is coming from my failing diet. It is really really getting to me. If I don't fix it soon, I will be too down and upset to get things done. So, I will be starting a food diary again, keeping track of calories etc... Hopefully it will allow me to lose 2kg. I was 59-60kg a month back, right now I haven't dared to weigh myself again for fear of having gained. Though, I still fit in all my pants, which means I should still be in the clear. But, if I get back on track with my diet, weigh myself in a month or so and either am back to 59 than I'll be content with just minor disappointment. If I am less then I will be ecstatic and I'm sure I'll feel good again.

With the summer coming up I need my body to look good, for me. I need this. Very very badly.

Al right, have to leave in 20mins.

Ttyl!
Indra

Return v2.0

Of course, we start off as usual: I AM BAAAA-H-AAAACK!

So, right now: the deal.

I have successfully finished my Graphic Design course and have successfully started my Translator/interpreting-studies. And yes, I stuck to my initial idea: English/Russian. I also just finished my exams and dare I say it: they went well. Results should be in next week. Might I add: I have never, and I do mean -never-, ever studied as hard in my life as I did for these exams.

Also, that Weight Watchers thing never worked out, in fact, it's all neatly tucked away in the original box, which I am staring at right now, in front me, in the cupboard where the TV is on. Yes, 100euro royally wasted. But, however: I -have- lost a decent amount of weight and now weigh the least I have weighed in a long time! Before it was 65-66kg now it is 59-60kg. I am going to the gym around 3 times a week and I seem to be sticking to it. In fact, I have a circuit-training class in half an hour and a yoga/pilates-class straight after ;). All the clothes I once bought thinking "I'll fit into this eventually" finally fit me! =D

Who would've thought things would really change eventually? ... Well, we all did really, it's the long wait that just bloody sucked and made desperation so easy to cling on to.

One thing that I doubt will ever change: me updating this blog regularly! Don't think that'll happen.

But, venting is good, this is my vent, so once in a while...

Off to the gym I go!

Return

Here I am. Back, after many months. With the same urge: deleting this blog.

Actually, I want to keep the blog, but delete all previous posts. BUT, I can't and won't.

Tomorrow I am going to pick up my Weight Watchers package from the post office. I have been massively binging out these past few days, and in a lesser manner, these past few weeks. I gained 3 or 4 kilos and weigh the most I ever have.

Though, I don't care too much, because tomorrow is the day I start a new life... again.

Yes, I am stuck in a loop.

Onto my next past of the loop: studies. I am finishing up on Graphic Design, I have managed to get hold of a certificate in business economics and am back to doubting what I want to study the next three years.

First, I decided to continue in Graphic Design. Now, I have my mind set on *drum roll* translator/interpreter in Nederlands-English-Russian. TADAAAAA!!

I just got back from an AWESOME trip to Berlin. Ich liebe Berlin!! It is a truly gorgeous city. Stunning buildings.

Wish me luck with my loop! Who knows, I might find a way out of it this time.

...

Wishful thinking has never hurt anyone! I think?

I haven't deleted the blog, but I'm not exactly using it.

Consistency seems to be yet another one of my flaws, or to be more accurate, lack of consistency ...

I ruined my diet. It was going well for more than 3 months *snorts* 3 bloody months... it's hardly anything and I was struggling with it so much. One conclusion: bad diet. Or no... maybe exactly that: it WAS a diet and diets just don't work. I need to alter my feeding pattern, a lifestyle change.

Urgh.

I should write a bloody book. It's the "thing" to do when you talk this type of crap -_-

I'm not going to pretend. Dieting has become an obsession. I'm terribly unhappy with who I am, with how I look. I feel miserable and ashamed. All I think about, on an hourly basis, is food. But for some, stupid, fucked-up reason, I'm not obsessed enough to actually stick to my bloody diets.

It's absolutely fucking ridiculous.

I have come to the point where I would actually be happy with an eating disorder. THAT, right there, shows that I have a problem. OF COURSE having an eating problem isn't nice to have and yet, in my stupid head, I secretly wish I did.

*sigh*

I need to fix this naive girly issue. It's short of ridiculous.

Deleting this blog

I'm actually already thinking about deleting this blog...

Why do I want to delete this blog though?

Because the moment I made this blog, I made it with a certain mind-set and with a set take-on-things. They have both changed and so I feel the blog doesn't resemble me any more. The writing-trend I had set out for this blog at the beginning has changed. I like consistency, but my character isn't consistent at all.

And that was EXACTLY the reason why I named the blog the way I did. With me, it is ALWAYS a matter of whimsicallity.

I will try and refrain from deleting this blog, for once.


EDIT: It's strange how hard it is not to delete this blog... :s

Keulen / Köln / Cologne

I just got back from Cologne!

I didn't end up uploading an videos, because we were out of the hotelroom the whole day and they charge 8 or so euros for 24 hours of internet (but this is literally 24 hours. From the moment you buy it and log in the first time it starts counting down... and since we're out the whole of the day and I only would use it at the utmost for an hour it was pointless)

I will upload a video with a quick summary of the trip though as soon as I get to it ;)

In the meantime I can show you all of the stuff my mom bought for me (and a few things I bought myself).

The end-result of my Köln shoppingspree

1 - Grey H&M pencil skirt
2 - Black knitted H&M baret with very subtle sparkles
3 - Black Fred Perry shoes
4 - Black sleeveless H&M cardigan
5 - Black PVC Benetton boots
6 - Grey Benetton long-coat with hood
7 - Black Fred Perry V-neck jumper
8 - Light grey plain H&M top
9 - Black pleated Fred Perry skirt
10 - Black and red layered H&M top
11 - Black oxford-style ankle boots
12 - Black and grey layered H&M jumper
13 - Light grey plain H&M strappy top
14 - Metal wall-plates: big one has vespa ladies on it and the small ones are of Bacardi, unknown, Schweppes and Jack Daniels
15 - *in bed with laptop and too lazy to get out to check what brand it is =P*
16 - Black knitted Magnum legwarmers and black Kinert backseam tights
17 - Black Pierre Cardin low-heel pumps
18 - Black pleather H&M biker gloves
19 - Black and white striped H&M bra's and knickers
20 - This refers to the earrings and the necklace I bought, but I was a bit too lazy to find them to put on the bed as well ;)

That's the shopping post for you! Now, I'm off to bed to get some much needed sleep

Tschüss!