I haven't deleted the blog, but I'm not exactly using it.

Consistency seems to be yet another one of my flaws, or to be more accurate, lack of consistency ...

I ruined my diet. It was going well for more than 3 months *snorts* 3 bloody months... it's hardly anything and I was struggling with it so much. One conclusion: bad diet. Or no... maybe exactly that: it WAS a diet and diets just don't work. I need to alter my feeding pattern, a lifestyle change.

Urgh.

I should write a bloody book. It's the "thing" to do when you talk this type of crap -_-

I'm not going to pretend. Dieting has become an obsession. I'm terribly unhappy with who I am, with how I look. I feel miserable and ashamed. All I think about, on an hourly basis, is food. But for some, stupid, fucked-up reason, I'm not obsessed enough to actually stick to my bloody diets.

It's absolutely fucking ridiculous.

I have come to the point where I would actually be happy with an eating disorder. THAT, right there, shows that I have a problem. OF COURSE having an eating problem isn't nice to have and yet, in my stupid head, I secretly wish I did.

*sigh*

I need to fix this naive girly issue. It's short of ridiculous.

Deleting this blog

I'm actually already thinking about deleting this blog...

Why do I want to delete this blog though?

Because the moment I made this blog, I made it with a certain mind-set and with a set take-on-things. They have both changed and so I feel the blog doesn't resemble me any more. The writing-trend I had set out for this blog at the beginning has changed. I like consistency, but my character isn't consistent at all.

And that was EXACTLY the reason why I named the blog the way I did. With me, it is ALWAYS a matter of whimsicallity.

I will try and refrain from deleting this blog, for once.


EDIT: It's strange how hard it is not to delete this blog... :s

Keulen / Köln / Cologne

I just got back from Cologne!

I didn't end up uploading an videos, because we were out of the hotelroom the whole day and they charge 8 or so euros for 24 hours of internet (but this is literally 24 hours. From the moment you buy it and log in the first time it starts counting down... and since we're out the whole of the day and I only would use it at the utmost for an hour it was pointless)

I will upload a video with a quick summary of the trip though as soon as I get to it ;)

In the meantime I can show you all of the stuff my mom bought for me (and a few things I bought myself).

The end-result of my Köln shoppingspree

1 - Grey H&M pencil skirt
2 - Black knitted H&M baret with very subtle sparkles
3 - Black Fred Perry shoes
4 - Black sleeveless H&M cardigan
5 - Black PVC Benetton boots
6 - Grey Benetton long-coat with hood
7 - Black Fred Perry V-neck jumper
8 - Light grey plain H&M top
9 - Black pleated Fred Perry skirt
10 - Black and red layered H&M top
11 - Black oxford-style ankle boots
12 - Black and grey layered H&M jumper
13 - Light grey plain H&M strappy top
14 - Metal wall-plates: big one has vespa ladies on it and the small ones are of Bacardi, unknown, Schweppes and Jack Daniels
15 - *in bed with laptop and too lazy to get out to check what brand it is =P*
16 - Black knitted Magnum legwarmers and black Kinert backseam tights
17 - Black Pierre Cardin low-heel pumps
18 - Black pleather H&M biker gloves
19 - Black and white striped H&M bra's and knickers
20 - This refers to the earrings and the necklace I bought, but I was a bit too lazy to find them to put on the bed as well ;)

That's the shopping post for you! Now, I'm off to bed to get some much needed sleep

Tschüss!

A matter of whimsicallity

This is now my fourth blog.

I kept deleting my previous ones because they stopped applying to how I felt after a month... or a week.

I can't quite remember the first one but the second one was called "A taste of variety", the third "Double single" and now this one "Whimsicallity", because with me, it really is a matter of whimsicallities *so officially it's not really a word, I know, but admit it, it sounds nifty*

My mood changes on a whim and so does my mind.

I hardly ever stick to one idea or feeling for longer than perhaps a few weeks. Though the one thing that does stick is me being generally unhappy with myself and my life.

The evolution I am now seeing, and going through, is that I have started taking things into my own hands and consciously trying to fix this unhappy state of living.

The most persistant unhappyness factor is:

The international female problem numero uno:

VERY strongly dislike my body (to the point that it makes me depressed)

--> derived from that: insecurity
--> leading to: a run-away-reflex, especially in relation to academics
--> causing: a sense of grand overall failure

Because I keep running away, I never overcome, I do not succeed and have now ended up with a general demotivated disposition.

With that being my default state it doesn't make it any easier to crawl out of this dank pit.


On a lighter note:

I'm leaving for Cologne (Keulen, Köln) in 2 hours. My mom is coming to pick me up at the office. But I need to download/buy some jazzy music from iTunes for the 2-3hour drive, particularly because my mother and I currently aren't on the same wavelength and knowing me, I need something to sooth me.

I'm actually going to be keeping a videoblog of this trip to Cologne. I had made one right here keulen.videoblog.nl but now I see I can upload videos here as well. I'll post them on both websites.


Tschüss!